i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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