Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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