i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
