So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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