when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
