READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
