I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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