It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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