I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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