I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
