Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
