We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
