I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
