It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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