I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
