I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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