The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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