I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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