Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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