its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
