I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
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