I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
