I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
