In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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