The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
