I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
