I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
