The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
