You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
