I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
