You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
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just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed