I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Did I show you my penis last night?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
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You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds