Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
