is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
