That's intense
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
