Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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