Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
