he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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