i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I love you.
Bad choice
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
