i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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