i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
