Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
