we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
