After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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