I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
