respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
