her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
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I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
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When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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