Someone shit on the floor
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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