She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
