Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
