I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
