I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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