I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
