Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
