he thought i was a dude.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
