1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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