Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
