Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm like, not good at living.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
