When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
