i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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