bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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